Night/ the last goodbye

if i could just bee diferent, i do not know what approach i should follow, yet i feel soo good inside but like i've done it before i just hope i dont ruin it like always. a personality says that im going to do well, while the other one its uncertain over what course should i take. i was thinking right now how much i miss going to church and to hear my pastor's message was always amazing. to listen ildjarn over the dark grey skies on my way back to home in the bus. just to feel soo alone but with no direction to follow was ... soo stressfull . i... just want her to like me and to think about me, to have good thoughts thats all i want, to feel the tiny droplets of water and to sit down feeling that somoene thinks about and cares about me always trying to understand why things are the way they are, trying to understand why things happend, why do we live in this world, why sometimes we cannot do anything about somtehing , why sometimes we as much as we try the result is the same, why as much as we try we cannot change things or save ...i just want to try it once more, all my fear, all my uncertantie all my phobias all the bad things i just have to put it to the cross just like pastor pete once said. and trust into my lord, God.