i dont know where i left behind or what started to change but things..i guess things were not as good as they were and hit a bottom low that i havent felt in many months ... since a year ago probably. nothing happendwith blue eyes nor anything else. and ... since i couldn't tell ceci about
what was going on in my life i was feeling really bad... sooo i was praying
the other day to my Dear God and i asked him to help me with the girl of blue eyes and blonde hair, well the first day last week there was some kind of international school expoo at the school i went there and well it turns out this french girl (which had blue eyes and blonde hair) gave me crepes and for the rest of the week she say hi to me. thinking about it i smiled and look up to the sky and said dear God hahah thank you but this is no the girl that i need help with. next day i prayed again and there was this blonde girl with green eyes siting behind me and she .. for some reason cleaned my shirt saying that i had ants in my back, since then i have been exchanging words
with her but... funny i look up to the sky and said God, thank you i woould like
you to keep me helping with her but also help me with "blue eyes" because i like her alot
i dont know when it started but latelly me and Ann we have been ... hanging out at school a lot, and i dont know i gotta say she is just like me in some ways and i m completly in love with her. but mostly of how she has struggle throough life and they way she has overcome every problem and obstacle that she had, and how dificult it was for her to find her path once again one that didnt self destrcut her and learned how to understaind her own self. at the same time she was having trouble with her boyfriend and a friend told me that i should take adventage of that and do the move. but that completly goes against my beliefes and i dont know it just not right to take adventage of a situation of somonee its more like selfish thing to do instead of thinking of the person that you care the most and how can you make her feel better or help help her
because after all.. if you really care for the other person all you want to see is that person to be happy.
mostly thats how my way of seeing life is .. i mean it is about bieng selfless and i do care about the other people why would i take adventage of somoene i love if its going to make her feel bad and only to satisfy my own needs... thats competly selfish(haha totally redundant but you get the point) going back to the topic i've been hanging out with her a lot and she with me, i kinda feel that i closed any chance of me going out with her but at the same time i... simply wouldnt
be able to have a good relationship in my current state, i mean all i got its my own self
i got no money and i am not as experienced as the other guys out there, and im ... not the usual affective person i m not used to that. im not saying that all she looks in a guy is the guy to take her out and pay for her stuff and things like that. i dont know but life seems to go backw here it was last year. i... simply can go back to the philosophy of being quiet and one with nature( by that its to respect everyone and try to understand their feeelings and ... i dont know
it would take pages and pages to explain that) getting there but never beeing able to acomplish it
i know it seems stupid and like menaingless but to me it means a lot and i dont know why is this feeling of doing that... since i got everything i mean im soo lucky to have a wonderful family and friends and evertyhing else i just would like to know whats wrong inside of my head that
keeps me from being happy its just soo messed up that other poeple that would loove to have my same situation i just seem to waste it... and
by noo means it is my purpose of doo soo!! from all the people in the world im the last one that would not appreciate the things that i have knowing that im gifted for having this wonderful life!!!
but it just seems that having that one special person that you can talk about your hopes and ... fears and problems is the only thing that seems to miss me completly. it is like asking my persona what is it that i have that seems not to be part of the normal young adult that revolves around me
by this day i completyl have gave up any hope or try ,im just letting God bring me any oportunity or coincidence because they are all coincidences made by my God. anything besides of that i just dont do it since i know it all will be like every single freaking day. as much as i try it wouldnt and wont change a bit. and i HATE HATEe being soo negative and i wish there was something that will make me differ my opinion towards my own life. i guess it is this thing , that will demonstrate that in reality it is all Good and positive.... ohh so i wish it could happend
but as today and towards the end of time i wont do a shit i will just let God help me with it becuase i completly gave up all hope BUT!! ONE THING is for sure i will be more positive with the rest of the things !! oh dear lord my dear God just like the song
says i know i was once lost but i know i found you then why
oh dear God do i still feel soo alone?
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