And I Heard your Voice so Loud

i have my manna right now with you lord

im writting to you my Lord becuase i have
not a lot of things left. i just want to tell you what i feel
right now, im hungry , with no money to buy anything,
my family doesnt have any money , barely making it, they
are ok, but in our case we are not, we live by the day, last time
i ate breakfast good was two or three days ago, and before that
there were a couple of days before that. i havent been able to eat dinner
only two days in a row since yesterday, today i didnt ate anything at all
i had a bread that my friend bought me , and i ate a tuna zandwich, with half
a can of tuna, oh lord i realise that we dont have money for food.
this is really not working , living away from my parents and on another city
it's not reallty wokirn out. we dont have a job and we have been looking for one.
everythung with my sister seems to be soo hard, when i do it by my own
seems to kinda work out at the end or eventually but she just seems
not reeally do anything planned out, just leave everything to fate and see
if it will work. i seriously i surrender my God i cannot continue like this any
further and if this is the fate you have for me then let it be, and i will follow
blindly. God i am left with no food, no money to being able to buy food, no
money to continue studying , no gilfriend like always and no hope at all....
no future dream, no future goal. my life goal and my dream
the one that my whole life was based on its shattered and knowing that
it will never ever, ever come true this is it God i have nothing left any more
please God i write this to you, help me.. i surrender to you

If It Means a Lot to You

I recently started a new term. After a long and uneventful vacations i'm finally back to school.
I couldn't be more happy and im looking forward to this new term. Expectations? well
i should said that i expect this term to be drama free compared to last one. Things are completely different compared to the last one as i am no longer in love with A. In regards to myself i couldn't
be more heartbroken to know that my dream will not come true. i prayed with all my heart to God so he could help me with this fundamental pillar in my life. At First he helped me but after a while everything froze down to the worse. I guess it is not in his wishes or maybe I'm not worthy of it. however i completely accept his command and i am at his mercy. Out of nowhere i was able to find A.M. and felt so exited like i have never felt before in my life. i could see my dream becoming true in front of my eyes. It was like everything was orchestrated to happen me finding her. I started to day dream again about what i wanted , and where i wanted to be. in this wonderful dream where i was close to someone so special, someone that i knew that was so unique that i have never seen in any other person. then i started to feedback about the past times when i first met her. i remember the first day i saw her i said to my own self she is a really pretty girl. A year passed and i was fortunate enough to have a class with her . Her attitude and her persona was the thing that amazed me the most. she was what i always wanted in a person. I just felt the need of being by her side, next to someone that was so different from everyone. words cant draw the pictures of my memory. it was something that it was just felt. whenever i would see her she would shine from the crowd. A quiet, shy girl that was humble and kind to anyone , specially me! When i departed the place that i now call home in my heart i always knew she was the only ONE that i wanted to spend the rest of my short life with. Returning to the present time, no matter what girl i liked i always thought about her and how much my heart belonged to her . Unfortunately you cannot say any of that because i am no one to say that or i have no right at all to be writing this words. after i found her again i thought my dream was going to come true, just to think about that futuree that i will fight for and that i would be sharing it with an amazing person it will just make my world rain of happiness. now that i see that such thing will never exist all i can feeel is nothingness in the inside. a great Void is left as i have no dream to fight for.thats it... this is it.... and nooooooo my Lord not at all i always praise youu no matter what and if you this is the fate you have for me , not to make my dream come true. then let it beee , and i would follow blindly i will always love you my God.

More than a Song

Thank you God, if it wasnt for your love i wouldnt be here,
there are no words in this world to express how much i love you and
how grateful i am for everything that you do , and do for all the people that i love
you always give me more than i could ask for more than enough
solo puedo imaginar con que reverencias el sumo sacerdote se acercaba al lugar santisimo
detras de ese velo la misma gloria de Dios moraba entre las alas de los querubines
el lugar de la propiciacion ese mueble santisimo que sirve como maximo simbolo
que Dios cumple sus promesas el arca del pacto que representa a un Dios de
pactos

i know things will never be this way

i know the things that i want will never
be that way, today a good day with Ann, i havent wrote here in such
a long time becuase i was waiting for something good to happend
the thing is that nothing did. the past month was horrible in some ways
but in others it was soo good becuase for a great part of the day i felt
so loved and filled with emotions that somonene loved me. but at the end of the
day i will go home and find out that it was all a fake feeling and in my head i
tought that ann's point of view was either playing with my feelings or just
being a close friend. two weeks passed and it made me feel so so bad, until one
day i exploted with her, and it was for me and my relationship that i had with her
i yelled at her and we went to the bank and she ask me to tell her what was going through
my head but i did not tell her, i couldnt i know by past experiences that it was not
probably the right thing to do but i sure shouldn have told her, by the end of the day
we were joking around and hugging like before. then vacations came, i missed her and
i nedded her soo muchhhh but i just couldnt tell her . the first day of classes
she sent me a messaage i did reply but she didnt get it, she called me telling me that
she missed me i ... wish i could tell her how much i did miss her and how much
i miss her being close to me, today it was just like any other day with her i...
my like for her has been diminishing slowly but not today as i am writing right now i
feel like shit, the most stupid person in the fucking world i sooo wish you could
grab a hold, and rip my fucking heart and tear it all around my dear God....

hey unloving i will love youu i will love you

i dont know where i left behind or what started to change but things..i guess things were not as good as they were and hit a bottom low that i havent felt in many months ... since a year ago probably. nothing happendwith blue eyes nor anything else. and ... since i couldn't tell ceci about
what was going on in my life i was feeling really bad... sooo i was praying
the other day to my Dear God and i asked him to help me with the girl of blue eyes and blonde hair, well the first day last week there was some kind of international school expoo at the school i went there and well it turns out this french girl (which had blue eyes and blonde hair) gave me crepes and for the rest of the week she say hi to me. thinking about it i smiled and look up to the sky and said dear God hahah thank you but this is no the girl that i need help with. next day i prayed again and there was this blonde girl with green eyes siting behind me and she .. for some reason cleaned my shirt saying that i had ants in my back, since then i have been exchanging words
with her but... funny i look up to the sky and said God, thank you i woould like
you to keep me helping with her but also help me with "blue eyes" because i like her alot

i dont know when it started but latelly me and Ann we have been ... hanging out at school a lot, and i dont know i gotta say she is just like me in some ways and i m completly in love with her. but mostly of how she has struggle throough life and they way she has overcome every problem and obstacle that she had, and how dificult it was for her to find her path once again one that didnt self destrcut her and learned how to understaind her own self. at the same time she was having trouble with her boyfriend and a friend told me that i should take adventage of that and do the move. but that completly goes against my beliefes and i dont know it just not right to take adventage of a situation of somonee its more like selfish thing to do instead of thinking of the person that you care the most and how can you make her feel better or help help her

because after all.. if you really care for the other person all you want to see is that person to be happy.

mostly thats how my way of seeing life is .. i mean it is about bieng selfless and i do care about the other people why would i take adventage of somoene i love if its going to make her feel bad and only to satisfy my own needs... thats competly selfish(haha totally redundant but you get the point) going back to the topic i've been hanging out with her a lot and she with me, i kinda feel that i closed any chance of me going out with her but at the same time i... simply wouldnt
be able to have a good relationship in my current state, i mean all i got its my own self
i got no money and i am not as experienced as the other guys out there, and im ... not the usual affective person i m not used to that. im not saying that all she looks in a guy is the guy to take her out and pay for her stuff and things like that. i dont know but life seems to go backw here it was last year. i... simply can go back to the philosophy of being quiet and one with nature( by that its to respect everyone and try to understand their feeelings and ... i dont know
it would take pages and pages to explain that) getting there but never beeing able to acomplish it
i know it seems stupid and like menaingless but to me it means a lot and i dont know why is this feeling of doing that... since i got everything i mean im soo lucky to have a wonderful family and friends and evertyhing else i just would like to know whats wrong inside of my head that
keeps me from being happy its just soo messed up that other poeple that would loove to have my same situation i just seem to waste it... and

by noo means it is my purpose of doo soo!! from all the people in the world im the last one that would not appreciate the things that i have knowing that im gifted for having this wonderful life!!!

but it just seems that having that one special person that you can talk about your hopes and ... fears and problems is the only thing that seems to miss me completly. it is like asking my persona what is it that i have that seems not to be part of the normal young adult that revolves around me

by this day i completyl have gave up any hope or try ,im just letting God bring me any oportunity or coincidence because they are all coincidences made by my God. anything besides of that i just dont do it since i know it all will be like every single freaking day. as much as i try it wouldnt and wont change a bit. and i HATE HATEe being soo negative and i wish there was something that will make me differ my opinion towards my own life. i guess it is this thing , that will demonstrate that in reality it is all Good and positive.... ohh so i wish it could happend
but as today and towards the end of time i wont do a shit i will just let God help me with it becuase i completly gave up all hope BUT!! ONE THING is for sure i will be more positive with the rest of the things !! oh dear lord my dear God just like the song
says i know i was once lost but i know i found you then why
oh dear God do i still feel soo alone?

And Jesus Im ready to come hom..

overall i lost all hope overall. Pa' never let me get close to her
or anything. then she went back to her boyfriend. i havent been able to find a job
and all i have done is to messed up with my friends. i dont have enoufh corage to talk to Blue eyes, and i like her a lot, and like i told God i think she is the one. Cec, doenst want to talk to me any longer and i totally deserve it. and we have no money, all i do is to let down my friends and be a failure with the girl that i like.
Yesterday i was sleeping and dreaming. i had a dream where i was driving a
big truck like the rally ones. then i was driving somewhere n a street close
to my Sina house. somehow i came home and Andy was there . she look at me and said something
about a "coyota" a candy. then said to the othhers where she was sitting on the carpet that
she will come with me becuase she had promised it to me. then she stood up and came down the stair and with me . then she kinda got close to me and walk along with me dont know where.
however!
A. showed me something today and she was totally right i dont know but i have to change my way of thinking. and i will try as hard as i can with blue eyes because i like andy a lot and im not going to let anything screw this one up.so Jesus please help me with andy i like blue eyes a lot

you call me good, a good person when in reality im an insensitive ass

watch as I stand alone dude , the last time that we talked was awful and rude.' im just being nice, I know you wont come with us? ' what the heck wasthat?
i was not in the mood

I can tell. but it was my fault? no it wasnt. and you were completely rudeeee and i didnt answered fast 'cause i was asking my mom if i could go out and when i came back i was like what!

(too ashamed to write down what i said)

sort of what happened to the.. 'stay positive'?
(somehow i wrote ... im a bad person, im sorry)

no you're not I was just sad.. that you were thinking that
but we're ok now. and now im leaving take good care please I have to fix the school thing keep praying I care alot about you buddy STAY POSITIVEEEE haahah how annoying am i haha well talk later.

as you can see another thing that my own disguisting stupid idiotic and whom i hate self , screwed up, regret enterily that i said that .... wish that could get .. there are no words in the world that explain how much hatred for one person (my own self) can have
i dont deserve her friendship anymore and im such a bad person and i wouldnt be suprised that she doesnt talk to me again actually hope that she doesnt talk to me as a punisshment for being a fucking ass . i've been thinking this since a.... long time becuse this happend on 1/15/2009 even though im soo going to regret this for a long time and all i have to say from the bottom of my heeart is that im dont deserve your friendship at all, and i wish you could meet a way better person or that somone else better than me was in my place .

even if it means i only hang out with her only two times a year they make me think about that special someone who is soo unique and dear to me. just the dream of being with her once again will give my life a purpose that will be really dear and probably no one else will understand
not even her. and even if she promised that we would hang out daily two times it is more than enough, the most awesome gift ever, more than i could have ever asked for
i dont know what would it be of my life you were not here . if i loose you then there is no more reason to continue pursuing my goals. you have no one to answer but to you soo there is no reason why i should expect something else from youuu, but the little you give me is way more than enough
thank you my dear Lord i now understand that song
thank you God im so fortunate

keep my friends hapiness even if i am gone

well i didnt fell the necesity to write anything further since i was really busy and things were going good now that i am back to the real world i have to write down, as i feel that everything its going back to the darkest times. first of all lets start with the bad things ... so we can finish with the most amazing , and beautiful things that hpapend to me . first bad things are... well i am out of money... i wont be able to go to school after this term... and God knows what its going to happend after i ran out of money,other things? i wont be able to train anymore and well C.C. my best friend she.... is making me suffer hahaha . i like her a lot but everything seems to be between us , or maybie its her that she doenst really want to hang out ... she told me that how can i said that? but as right now... i dont feel good and maybie she was right i m just making stuff up in my head. i ... do like like her... but its normal becuase she is really cool and she is soo freaking unique she said she was going to hang out today but i dont know where she is... i better forget about her and everything since things are going to get ... worse?? in the inside i feel like they wont i feel that everything its going to be amazing from now on i can just feel it in the inside. what other bad thing... well B is leaving monterrey and i wont be able to see her again for a while which sucks a lot....

now lets get tthe happy things first of all lets recap to the last good thing that happend to me. i hanged out with brenda and it was such a good time. first she came home and we drove around my sister felt bad and went back home, then to the supermarket at midnnight to buy food and ot was sooo much fun!!!!!! amazing we came back home and ate, then she fell asleep in my sissters bed she is soo cute
2.- ummm i hanged out with my sisters friends the other day and invited them to a coffe during my sister's first celebration
3.- after my sisters third presentation Pretty girl said good things about me ^___^
4.- a week after that the last day of school tests, we went to some award ceremony and i recieved my early christmas present... i took a picture with pretty girl!!! woohoooo i felt soo flyyy :P kidding thats a bad use of that word right there
5.- umm during the vacations it turns out that my sister was talking to pretty girl and here is the story
first they were talking over the facebooc and then she said something like... you had a secret admirer.. she said - whoo is him-,,.. your brother?, then she said something like but ... im too shy. soo everything ended in that her is really shy and she thinks im a nice guy
6.-ummm ohh oh i hanged out with rose!! ok so we are friends once again and ... i felt soo happy to see her and she is really happy to see me too, she is really really pretty, and were going to hang out again and i think i like like her... heheh but we are friends again which makes me happy

7.- what else... ummm ohh yeah last but not least i hanged out with C.C. before new year's here is the story: soo i was supposed to go out wiht Net and my older friends from high school from here but then turns out that on the evening C.C. said that we should hang out soo i told her that i was going to pick her up. then i went to pick her up and made me wait like an hour, she was soo embarrased and after she came out we drove around, bought hamburgers. snacks and chatted for a long time. in which i completly loved bieng with her and i felt sooo good becuase she is soo pretty and sooo unique there is nnot another girl like her . we talked soo much and she left late.

well thats it i guess. my heart tells me that the future its going to be good!!! i dont know why but im pretty sure is God telling me that everything will be good if i just have fate and patiance. im soo freaking sad... becuase i didnt hang out further with ceci i feel like i need her soo bad but its ok at least i got to see her once... i felt soo sad the first part of this day becuase the future looks really bad... but im going to take advantage of this nex term and give my freaking best! and with the help of God i will acomplish all my goals... which are... hehe go out with pretty girl (as boyfriend and girlfriend) God... i soo pray to youu to help me with all my fiancial problems and with her also... and also be with me so i can Help other people!!
soo as a recap this vacations... where well.. full of surprises and ... a some thirst of need to be with some friends but besides that i got one chance of being there and happy and i had a Blast!!
thank you my dear Lord for everything!